


When I'm with you, I can breathe.

by MamaJin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Changbin is an idiot, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Panic Attacks, felix is too, im writing this at 2am what is sleep anyway, the others are only mentioned briefly sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 14:05:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15820386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MamaJin/pseuds/MamaJin
Summary: Felix has Hanahaki disease, a disease where the sufferer coughs up cherry blossoms as a result of suffering from a one sided love. Changbin is a bit of an asshole and Chan is a great best friend. That's about it, I'm shit as summaries lol pls don't sue me.





	When I'm with you, I can breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> English IS my first language but I wrote this at 2am so I apologise for any mistakes lol, anyways...enjoy!

Felix was in immense pain. Emotionally and physically. He stumbled to the bathroom just in time as he started coughing and heaving, however, instead of the normal vomit a person would be expecting, Felix received flower petals, cherry blossoms to be specific, he looked in alarm at the petals, he’d heard about this before, this was Hanahaki disease. Felix crumpled to the floor in exhaustion and despair, he had Hanahaki disease, a cruel disease caused by suffering from a one-sided love. How could life be so cruel to him? He’d already suffered from having his parents get divorced last month, now he was in pain due to a love he could never have and none of it was his fault! 

Felix hauled himself up from the tiled floor of the bathroom and staggered into his room, it was time to get ready for school and another day of facing the cause of his pain, Changbin whilst pretending everything was fine. He ruffled his bleached blond hair and tugged on his uniform which consisted of a plain white cotton button up shirt and black slacks, he grabbed his rucksack and shouted his goodbyes to his mum as he left the house.  
The walk to school wasn’t far, a brisk ten-minute walk was all it took, as he neared the gates Felix could see a distinct group of people waiting for him, his friends. Walking through the gates, he was greeted with choruses of “hey Felix!” and “how ya doin’ man?” He smiled at all his overexcited friends and returned the greetings until his eyes crossed a face that made his heart simultaneously drop and burst with warmth…Changbin. He was standing there looking effortlessly good as usual, his slightly too big nose that somehow fitted his face perfectly, his plump lips and piercing eyes all complimented by the glow of gentle morning light… Felix’s smile dropped, and he fell silent, choosing to shoot Changbin a small forced smile before turning away to walk to his locker with his friends in tow.

Felix was sitting in maths, bored out of his mind since he didn’t understand anything. He found his mind beginning to wander to a certain person, Changbin. Felix sighed, this was starting to become a regular occurrence, however Felix just couldn’t get his mind off of how things haven’t been quite right in his friendship group ever since he tried to confess to Changbin who had turned him down with the excuse of not wanting a relationship at that time. Ever since then there had been an undercurrent of tension plaguing the group and Felix blamed himself for all of it, hating himself more and more with each day that passed by. He pondered on all the problems he felt he had caused and how pathetic he felt at being unable to fix them. Eventually the bell signalling the end of the period rang prompting sluggish teenagers to slowly stand up and stretch, relieved at being able to finally escape the hell that is advanced maths. 

Slowly but surely lunchtime rolled around, Felix ambled his way towards the canteen where his friends would be waiting for him at their usual table. As he neared their spot he could make out the faces of his friends one by one, they were all there, including Changbin. Felix gulped, he suddenly wasn’t feeling hungry anymore, he decided to sit down anyway, even if it was just to talk with his friends. Felix was trying his utter best to interact with his friends and be the bundle of sunshine and energy he usually was but for some reason he just couldn’t today; he felt drained of energy and…sick…Then he felt it… “I’ve got to go” Felix managed to choke out before dashing to the nearest boys’ bathroom where he knelt on the floor next to the ceramic bowl of the toilet heaving up blossoms again.

Felix then heard footsteps enter the bathroom and heard a gentle, almost hesitant knock on the door of the stall he was in, followed by a soft “Felix, are you okay?” It was Chan, Felix’s Australian friend, they were quite close, having bonded over both being foreigners in Korea. They took comfort in the fact that they could speak their native language with each other and consequently became almost brothers. Felix sniffled weakly and croaked out a quiet “the door’s not locked, come in”. Chan burst in, worry evident on his face, he spies the blossoms laying afloat in the toilet water before his eyes rest on a dishevelled, weak Felix crumpled on the floor. All the pieces fell into place. Felix had Hanahaki disease…

Chan crouched down next to Felix and drew him into a gentle hug, letting Felix soak his shirt in tears. Chan ran his hand through the distressed boy’s hair, tugging at the soft dirty blond strands and rubbed his other hand up and down Felix’s back. Once he had calmed down enough and his breathing had evened out, Chan pulled away, steeling himself and looked directly into Felix’s chocolate brown eyes that were filled with pain. He had a feeling he knew who the cause of Felix’s suffering was, but he needed to hear it from Felix himself. “Felix tell me everything…please…” Chan begged. Felix breathed in shakily and looked up at Chan, taking in the concern etched into his features. “I-I just want it to stop, I can’t-” Felix was cut off by the sound of the door to the bathrooms being slammed open and someone crashing their way inside. The stall door flung open and the two boys were greeted with the sight of a wild, raging Changbin. “Changbin-”, Chris began. Changbin simply levelled him with a fiery glare before grabbing Felix by the collar and pulling him up to eye level followed by slamming him against the wall.

“Tell me what the fuck is going on with you!” Changbin spat in Felix’s face, “I know you’ve been avoiding me, but I haven’t done anything wrong! So, what is your problem?!” Felix was shaking in Changbin’s grip, he suddenly couldn’t breathe, his mind was swimming and he couldn’t focus on anything clearly, his vision was going blurry, blinded by tears. He tried to speak but all that came out was a strangled noise of desperation, he looked up, the last thing he saw before everything went dark was Chan turning Changbin around and punching him square in the face.

When Felix woke up he was surrounded by bright, glaring white all around, he let out a groan, his head ached like he had been hit with a brick. Suddenly a door swung open and before he knew it Felix was swamped by doctors, all asking him questions that he could not understand and prodding at him. Finally, they seemed to calm down, most of them leaving after writing something down or muttering to one another about something Felix was unable to hear. One doctor pulled up a chair to sit beside Felix, he appeared to be in his mid-forties with a kind face, one that made you feel safe in his care. He straightened up and looked at Felix, “Felix Lee, I believe?” Felix offered a small nod in affirmation. “You were brought here after blacking out as a result of a panic attack, we believe that your condition has been worsened by your weak state due to your long-term suffering of the Hanahaki disease. I am here to run over your options of treatment with you.” The doctor calmly stated, eyes never wavering from Felix’s face, as if gauging his reaction. Felix swallowed, his throat was painfully dry, making it difficult to respond. It seemed that the doctor sensed Felix’s struggle as he proceeded to hand the boy a cup of water that had been on the bedside that Felix had failed to notice. God he was such a mess…

“Please go on Sir”, Felix wanted to be finished with his pain, he wanted to live without this huge burden weighing down on him. The doctor smiled and continued, “Well there are two options we can offer you Felix, number one: you can choose to leave the situation alone and keep on living in pain, however do be aware that the longer your love is unrequited, the worse the pain will become. If you want to end your hardship, your second option is to get the infection removed with a surgical procedure, however there are side effects with this surgery. You will no longer be able to feel true happiness, or any other positive emotion and you will be unable to breathe without the help of an oxygen tank.” The doctor finished up and looked at Felix, prompting an answer.

Felix knew he was meant to think such an important life changing decision over but in this moment all he wanted was to be…fine, he wanted to not feel the pain of love anymore. “I’ll take the surgery please” Felix stated firmly. The doctor looked a little surprised at Felix’s fast decision, most patients preferred time to think such a thing over. He raised his eyebrows and asked again to make sure Felix was really sure, he was answered with a confident “yes”. He informed Felix that his surgery was to be that evening and left the room with a bow.

When Felix woke again he felt better, he had no pain apart from a slight soreness in his abdomen where the surgery had been performed, however he felt…empty, like a part of him was missing, like he had lost something irreplaceable. As he awakened further he became aware of the tubes he had running past his cheeks and into his nose, delivering oxygen to him now that he was unable to do that himself. Felix sighed, he might as well get used to this…

Chan was worried, Felix hadn’t been at school for the past couple of days, sure he might need time to recover but what Chan was most worried about was that he hadn’t heard anything from Felix at all. He buried his face in his hands, this wont do, he can’t just keep worrying pointlessly like this, he made up his mind, he was going to go and visit Felix after school today and he was going to bring the rest of the group with him as they had all been just as worried as Chan had refused to tell them anything to do with Felix’s illness.

Felix was resting with his eyes closed, focused on trying to breathe because even with oxygen tubes, breathing was still difficult. He then heard the tell-tale creak of the door to his hospital room opening, he cracked an eye open to reveal all his friends entering the room…all of them except Changbin… He felt guilt wash over him, he wanted to be happy to see his friends, but he just couldn’t for some reason, then he remembered that because of the surgery he couldn’t. He would never feel happiness again. His attention was then stolen by the sobs of two of his friends; Woojin and Jisung, the two boys had always been the more sensitive ones of the group and the sight of their friend lying in the hospital bed, kept going with an oxygen tank and being monitored by beeping machines of all kinds had reduced them to wailing messes.

Felix felt bad for evoking such reactions, so he called them over to his bedside and smiled at them, wordlessly reassuring them that he was ok. In the corner of his eye he spied Chan letting out a breath of relief. An hour later and his friends were slowly leaving one by one until it was just Chan and Felix left alone. Chan let out a noise of what could be interpreted as a mix of exhaustion and dread. Felix felt an uneasiness settle deep in his stomach at whatever his friend was about to say. “Felix I was so worried…” Chan started. “I can’t believe you chose this so readily, you’ll never be able to live a normal life again, don’t get me wrong bro, I’m so glad you’re out of pain now but I mean look, you can’t even breathe properly now…what kind of life is this? Listen Fe, life is gonna hard, real hard from now on but remember I’m always here, I’m never gonna leave you behind, yeah?” The last part of Chan's sentence was squeezed out past unshed tears.

Felix felt shame for causing his friend such emotional turmoil and in an effort to console Chan he reached for his hand, stroking his thumb over the back of his friend’s hand and holding on to it tightly the whole time. He looked into Chan's eyes with a look of sincerity and whispered “I know you’ll always be by my side and for that I’m thankful and I’m sorry that I’ve put you through this…I promise not to make you struggle and suffer anymore…” Chan had to leave shortly after that and Felix saw him off with a weak, remorseful smile.

Felix laid propped up against the pillows on his hospital bed, he couldn’t sleep, Chan's words kept echoing through his head… “You’ll never be able to live a normal life again…What kind of life is this?” Chan was right, this was no life, he would never be able to laugh with true happiness or experience the colours or even pain of love ever again, hell he couldn’t even breathe on his own anymore. He was pathetic. Felix made a final decision and ripped out his oxygen tubes from his nose and closed his eyes, he wouldn’t be a bother anymore…

Felix had not long closed his eyes when the door crashed open, startling him and causing him to inhale sharply, resulting in a crushing pain in his chest making him gasp. He glanced up to see what or rather who had entered his room and was shocked to see Changbin standing there looking frightened but determined. He strode over to Felix’s side and sat on the chair that was left there from earlier when Felix’s other friends had visited and grabbed both of Felix’s hands in his, grasping them tightly as if Felix might disappear if he let go in the slightest.

 

“Felix hear me out please” Changbin pleaded, desperately searching for Felix’s eyes with his own. Felix simply nodded, trying to conserve the breath he had left. “Felix I’m sorry I’ve caused all this, I’m an asshole and I deserve anything you throw at me right now, but you deserve to know the truth. The reason I turned you down when you confessed to me was that I was worried and scared, someone as pure and bright and beautiful as you doesn’t deserve to be dragged down by the likes of me. That day I cornered and shouted at you in the bathroom was because I’d had enough of suffering from the person I like ignoring me-”

 

Felix cut him off “you, suffering, from love?” he laughed bitterly. “You don’t mean that, you don’t love me.” He smiled sadly.

“You don’t understand Felix I really do love you, that’s why I’m here, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, if you don’t believe me, I’ll just show you then.” Changbin uttered. With that his hands moved from Felix’s hands to gently cup the younger boy’s face, thumb softly brushing over his cheek and the freckles that lie there. He leaned closer to Felix’s face and pressed a tender kiss on the end of his petite upturned nose before moving down slightly to press a chaste kiss to the boy’s small pouty lips. Although the kiss was short and sweet it conveyed everything Changbin felt towards Felix and when they parted Felix felt air rush into his lungs, this time without pain, he slowly exhaled, Changbin really loved him and he could now breathe, slowly he sensed the feeling of pure unadulterated joy fill him, he could now feel all the positive emotions: happiness, love and euphoria return to him.

“I love you Felix, believe me now?” Changbin breathed against his lips.

Felix just smiled.

When I’m with you, I can breathe…

**Author's Note:**

> To anyone that made it to the end, congrats! Thank you for reading, it means a lot, don't be afraid to leave a comment, I don't bite (hard)!
> 
> (Also Stray Kids keep releasing stuff left, right and centre, for the love of god guys pls give my heart a break, it's fRaGiLe)
> 
> Love you guys so much, once again tysm for reading <3


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